It’s another weekend that I’m staying in, not that I want to, but because I have no other choice. I don’t really have any friends that live down here, either on campus or by my college. The ones that I do have down here, I only see them when they want something from me, not because they want to hang out. My real friends are back home, like an hour drive away, but I don’t see them as often because they all work and I’m not familiar with their work schedules. Plus, only one of my friends has access to a car so that makes it even harder to see everyone at once.
I just want to have one good weekend of fun with my friends. Kind of like how my birthday weekend was last month. I had a lot of fun with them when they came down. I wish I was a more approachable person. I think that leads to me not really having friends on campus. There have been a few times (more than a few times) when people would either walk by me and say “Smile!’ or a classmate would mention how they saw me walking with “an angry face”. I’m a nice person, honestly, I just don’t like people as much as I should. I just have a trust issue, even with people I don’t know that well. I think that someone is using me for something if they want to be friends. It’s weird and hard to explain, but I’ve had a hard time trusting people since my mother’s death back in 2000 (yesterday was my mom’s 56th birthday btw).
I know that the problem starts with me and that I probably won’t have any legit friendships/relationships until I work on my trust issues, but that’s the hard part. The easy part was me admitting to my problem. I do have good friendships with some people in my class, my roommate this year and some of her friends, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for friends that are like my friends back home. People that I can just be myself around, people that I can trust, people that get my weirdness and enjoy my awkwardness like they do.
I’m probably asking for too much, but I don’t care. I just hate spending my weekends alone. I’m older and a bit more mature, and I just want to have fun and make good memories before I get too old to do anything.
Here’s a photo I took earlier, hope you all are enjoying your weekend!