Conceal

There is not much to be said about fear.  It can consume you, make you stronger, or both.  This is how it usually goes with me.  I allow it to seep into my mind and take its rightful place.  My dreams and daydreams alike both suffer from it residence there.  It is like a bug, a mosquito or ant, that gnaws away at your skin until you are forced to take notice of it.  When you do, the itching and irritation seems to get worse and worse as you give in to the scratching that occurs from it.

What I am getting at is when you scratch at a bug bite, it sends temporary relief throughout your system that makes you believe that it is okay and that it is going to stop soon.  But that is never the case.  Either you live it out and let the bite run its course until it disappears.  Or, you soothe yourself by adding lotions, oils, or other concoctions that you believe in onto your skin.  It is still there.  It is not completely gone.  That is what I do with fear.

I either caress it or ignore it.

I run from it.

I hide it.

 I conceal it.

But none of this helps.  I keep fear with me because sometimes I am weak and cannot bear to face it.  I hold on to it because it lets me know that I am alive and that I am scared of the world that I live in.  I let it consume me because I feel like I have no other option.

Fear makes me feel alive.  It helps me with knowing that I am a human.  I can feel this intimidating emotion and still live to see another day.  I say that it lives in my mind because it does.  Day in and day out.  Fear lives inside of me.  It helps me with my awareness in life.  I am more alert of my surroundings, of those I interact with, of strangers I pass on a daily basis.

Fear gives me life.  I thrive on it at times.  Other-times, it strikes in my heart.  It makes me paranoid or overly cautious.  There are different types of fear that I have experienced.  One being fear of living because of the negative things that happen in our lives.  Others being afraid of being a failure, growing old, dying alone, dying young, losing someone close to me, the list can go on.  I am sure one of you reading this can relate to one of these last fears listed.  It is a part of being a human.  We feel these things in our everyday lives.  They are natural feelings.

To end my rambling thoughts, I will say this.  If I lived my life without fear, I would still be the same person I am today.  Yes, I let it consume me, but I am stronger because of it.

L.

*This is a response to this week’s Dungeon Prompt: Fear, how do you use it?.  Sorry for my ramblings, folks!

Recovery: Self-Hate

There she stands

With her sunken, dark brown eyes,

That have been reddened

By the tears of her own words

The words spoken evilly about herself

Others admire her

For her grace, diligence, intelligence

She only sees unworthiness and hate

Unworthy of being beautiful

Or having a steady relationship

Hate, which stems from her blood

Her lineage, who accuses her

Of being anything but good or smart

The belittling words of others

Have settled into her own mouth

Cutting deeply into her skin.

As she speaks these lies,

Her tongue swells, knowing her real truths

The ones that depict her in a positive light

She is full of grace, diligence, and intelligence

As she stands

With her dried, dark brown eyes,

She realizes the true beauty that she is

That she has finally become

Lending time to listen to her own truths

And speak them into existence

Has led her on a road to recovery

To a better life, to a better her.

L.

*This poem is in response to this week’s Dungeon Prompt: I Am A Recovering…

Thankful Thursday: Tea, I Love Thee!

As the title shows, I indeed have a love-love relationship with tea.  Earl Grey is my choice as of now, has been for the past 3 years or so.  I picked it up one day, wanting to try a new flavor, and haven’t put it down since.  This post is all about being thankful and telling others what you are thankful for.  So, here are a few things that made my list for today.

Tea, Earl Grey to be exact

Marathons of I-cannot-change-the-channel shows such as Law & Order.

Reruns of Seinfeld & Frasier

My friends who haven’t given up on me yet

My family members who actually show that they care

All of the new friends that I made this summer

For still being alive to see another day

L.

Water along the Way

This past September, a few co-workers and I took our days off to go on a hiking trip.  A rim-to-rim trip to be exact.  This was my first time going on a hike this long ( it took us a full day!), but I enjoyed all of the views along the way.  The water that flowed into little streams, waterfalls, and rivers made the trip much more enjoyable.

Since we lived on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, we headed down on our side of the canyon and hiked back up on the South Rim’s side, approximately 24 miles total!

The photos below are ones I took of the different water views along our hike.  Just to our luck, we found a hidden beach on the last half of our journey.  It made for a great resting spot alongside the Colorado River.

I would definitely recommend this hike to anyone out there who is an avid hiker, or a beginner like myself.

Enjoy!

Ribbon Falls.

Ribbon Falls.

Waterfall selfie.

Waterfall selfie.

30

The bridge we used to cross the Colorado River.

The bridge we used to cross the Colorado River.

A paradise for hikers stuck in the sun.

A paradise for hikers stuck in the sun.

A Colorado River-Beach combo.

A Colorado River-Beach combo.

Taking a break from hiking to rest and cool off.

Taking a break from hiking to rest and cool off.

L.

Goodbye Arizona

Sorry I haven’t posted on here in awhile. The last few weeks at work kept me busy and being home has made me lazy again!  Not sure if you guys know, but I celebrated my 23rd birthday two weekends ago.  The best part was celebrating my birthday and the end of the work season with some of my co-workers in Las Vegas.  It was fun, expensive, but worth it.

I signed on to work at the Grand Canyon again for next summer so I’m (im)patiently waiting for May to get here.  Until then, I’m filling out applications and doing interviews for seasonal work to keep me busy.

I’ll leave you all with some photos of my birthday weekend for now.

v23 z10 z11 z17

L.

I Believe in a Higher Being

By ‘higher being’, I mean something that is equal to what God is to those who believe in Him.  Since I was a young child, I’ve either attended Sunday School or participated in church by way of youth groups or other youth events.  There has never been a chance for me to question my own faith since it was basically given to me since birth.  After my mother’s death, I was still living with my grandparents who were heavy on attending church every Sunday.  I had no problem with it because I’ve been to church in the past and found ways to bear through the service.  After I reached high school, questions about God started to come forth in my head.  I never spoke about them with anyone around me because I felt like I would get shot down after opening my mouth.

I remember one Sunday morning, sitting in the backseat of the car asking my grandmother why did I have to come to church that day.  She raised her voice loudly and what she said next I will never remember.  But it was something along the lines of, “Why don’t you want to come to church anymore?”  There were more questioning times for me that I never acted on.  Plenty of times when I started to lose interest in what was being preached to me and the congregation.  In the scriptures that were being read.  In the prayers that were being said.  I’m not sure why, but I started to lose my faith in God.

As of now, I’m going back and forth between praying to God and praying to a god.  I do know, or believe at least, that there is something bigger out there that has this power that people give to God.  I do not believe that God can make the blind see or the paralyzed walk.  I do believe in miracles, but in a sense that they happen without the help of God, but by their own will.

I wrote this poem, maybe back in 2010 or 2011, about what I believe about God.  The responses I received after posting it reassured me that I was not alone and that other people felt the same way.

Is There a God?

Is there a God?

Is there really one creator of all?

If such a person did exist,

Why is our world plagued with such loathsome people?

Why is there this abundant amount of hatred living within our souls?

We are not all holy, we don’t portray ourselves as such.

If there was a higher being,

I would expect people of earth to be less full of themselves,

To be more concerned with the state of their living grounds.

We consume negativity like a meal, lingering for more,

Our religions battle one another, proving their own to be the right one,

If there is a God, he failed when he created us.

 

This post is in response to this week’s Dungeon Prompt: Concepts of God.  Thank you for posting this certain topic.  It’s been something that I’ve always wanted to get off of my chest.

 

L.

Cee’s Fun Foto Challenge: Wood or Season of Spring

Hello, everyone! Sorry I haven’t posted on here in awhile, but I’ve been very busy with work lately. I’ve been meaning to make a post on here but didn’t know where to start. This is a nice opportunity to share some photos I took on my trip to Zion National Park last week. Although this challenge calls for “spring” photos, I thought the subjects I decided to focus on were spring-worthy, too. Clouds, trees, and blue skies are all a part of spring’s and summer’s agenda!

 

I just love photographing trees!

I just love photographing trees!

 

The perfect capture of a perfect cloud.

The perfect capture of a perfect cloud.

A trio of trees.

A trio of trees.

 

You can see small droplets of water falling from the top of Weeping Rock.

You can see small droplets of water falling from the top of Weeping Rock.

 

Another one of my favorite photos from my trip.

Another one of my favorite photos from my trip.

 

I hope you all enjoy these photos that I’ve shared with you!

 

L.